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More Canadian linguistic gymnastic..?

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can you translate this?

" How's she goin' - I was born a herring choker, but brought up a blue noser, a caper to be sure - me paw was from the rock but me maw was n茅e en acadee.. Anyhoo I was working the rigs out by fort mac, and later by cowtown - ended up on compo and drove the #1 to the hammer where I live now.

So's the other day I went by the sev for a deck of players and a carton of homo, and then down by the LCB for a halfsack of moosehead and a forty pounder of screech. I had a couple of twonies left so I popped in on the tims for a double double and a maple glazed.. by gar if it didn't remind me of parti sucre weekends at the sugar shack.. but the darn metis chucklehead working the joe-job behind the counter forgot to give me a serviette. I asked him right nice, but buddy called me a newf and gave me a trudeau salute.

Well lard thunder I got right chippy, he was an FBI from the rez, but I pulled a goon - suckered him in the chicklets, and skedaddled before the RCs got there

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I put my translations in parenthesis next to the terms - hope it helps.

More Canadian linguistic gymnastic..?
can you translate this?

" How's she goin' - I was born a herring choker, but brought up a blue noser (Nova Scotian) , a caper to be sure - me paw was from the rock (Newfoundland) but me maw was n茅e en acadee(New Brunswick/Acadian) .. Anyhoo I was working the rigs (Oil rigs) out by fort mac (Fort McLeod, AB), and later by cowtown - ended up on compo (workmans compensation) and drove the #1(Trans-Canada hwy) to the hammer where I live now.

So's the other day I went by the sev for a deck of players (cigarettes) and a carton of homo(milk), and then down by the LCB (liquor store) for a halfsack of moosehead (6 pack of beer) and a forty pounder (40 oz bottle) of screech. I had a couple of twonies ($2 coins) left so I popped in on the tims (Tim Hortons donuts)for a double double and a maple glazed.. by gar if it didn't remind me of parti sucre weekends at the sugar shack(Maple syrup collecting).. but the darn metis(1/2 native/ 1/2 white) chucklehead working the joe-job behind the counter forgot to give me a serviette (napkin). I asked him right nice, but buddy called me a newf and gave me a trudeau salute (middle finger or flipping the bird).

Well lard thunder I got right chippy (angry), he was an FBI from the rez (reservation), but I pulled a goon - suckered him in the chicklets (teeth), and skedaddled before the RCs RCMP- mounties) got there

Others
To add to digitsis answer,
Ft Mac is actually Fort McMurray in Alberta
and cowtown is Calgary
(I love it!)
What's to translate? It's all just regular English, roight?!
I love it ....
hows it goin? born a fisherman brought up in NS Cape Breton dad was from Newfoundland mom is acadien.
Workin on the oil rigs in fort macmurray and later calgary

etc etc etc..............................
Herringchoker - New Brunswicker. Now how would I know that? hehehehe
Bluenoser - Nova Scotian
Caper - Cape Islander (off Nova Scotia)

You're on a roll, wabbit! Love it!
your funny
I understood every word but haven't go time to translate right now but the first answer has most of it translated.
you forgot "Habs rule Sens suck."