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Can you speak Canadian?

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can you translate this:

"They'd cut off my E.I. and the pogey was still a week away, so I rounded up all the twoonies and loonies I could find in the chesterfield, and hiked a coupla clicks to the LC to pick up a half sack and a mickey, but settled on a flat and a twenty-sixer and a plan to get right p隆ssed.

It was a skookum plan, but I shoulda paid the hydro, cuz they cut me off and now my two-four froze along with the taps and I'm huddled in my tuque, johnnies and mack - without enough left for a hot double double and a jambuster. I'm set for butts though and I've got a whack of KD (but nowheres to cook it).

I'm also late for rent on my bachelor, so I'm dekeing my Jean-gee Pepsi landlord as I promised I'd sign over my GST rebate when I got it from revcan. He's somewhat of a goof but I don't want a kerfuffle cuz HNIC and Coaches Corner is tonight and I want to see the Habs knock out the Leafs (like a good 'pegger I'm rootin for anyone but Hogtown)."

eh?

Travel Tips

Yeah although you have mixed several regional dialects... Personally I think Northern Ontario has the better slang..lol

can you translate this??

Hey man! Party at the camp tonite.. bring the range were goin risk roadin too... dont forget to pick up a twixer of wisers and a mickey o worm juice on the way outta Suds. Pick up some bago butts on the way too, and dont forget the papes were gonna need lots cause we cleaned out the spot last week.. Pick up the boys from the rez on the way too man buddy owes me some green. Were gonna have a jam sesh too itll be kick ayas... we already got some timmy hos, so dont worry bout that. Oh ya, we need some mix too and pick up some OJ for the shrooms gets a better buzz goin. So hurry up biotch and dont be f*ckin the dog, or we'll start on the two four without ya.. we already busted out the BTs and did some two lites, party!! woo hoo.

Others
I guess not! All along I though I could.
um, I thought they spoke either English or French. Apparently I was wrong. 鈾?
Canada's Languages are English and french. Do you speak either of these, then you speak "Canadian".
Wot was that all aboot , eh ? Not the slightest idea what you just said, so the answer would be no, I don't.
Too funny eh, hidin out on the land lord. You sound like a Newf (no offence)
I am Canadian, from the Maritimes to boot.